Looking forward...

Well, spent the day doing my usual job. Spent it with a co-worker who has become a friend as well, despite a lot of personal/religious/lifestyle differences. Tried not to think about what is looming ahead...

Well, I've thought of a few more things to look forward to - that always helps. I'm trying to plan my life after this bump in the road (albeit a bump that will jar me sufficiently to alter my perceptions/choices/place in this world), deciding that some changes are necessary, and others are simply a good idea.

Listening to some Emi Fujita songs I've managed to find here & there (still searching for a couple, one in particular - will probably end up buying her latest album) - so glad I was introduced to her music by a good friend. She has a beautiful voice, and such good lyrics/topics to her songs. Unfortunately, most information I've found online about her is in Japanese, so I only get a cloudy idea of what she's all about!

Well, I've a few more things to do this evening before bed - getting everything set for the days ahead, trying to stay busy so it doesn't get me down. Aah, who am I kidding? It gets me down anyway, but if I busy myself, I get tired before I get depressed. Works for me, and this shall not last - it came to pass.
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
God is my all-in-all...
He will make a way.

God, I need a bright spot!!

Well, today began cool & rainy. I don't have a rain jacket, so I made do with an old zip up hooded sweatshirt. It was warm & comfortable, and I made my way to work. I now am able to do my work alone, as I have my license back in a limited form, and don't need to rely on others to drive me around. The company was nice, but it's nicer to be back to what I'm accustomed to.
With all I am facing, I just had to ask for a bright spot - something to cheer me up today.
Kept waiting, waiting, waiting...
Then, following up the the phone calls & arrangements I need to make, I find out things are to happen differently than I had been told. Only one job allowed while on work-release, and probably no pet care, either.
GOD!!!! What more do I have to give up????? Am I still doing something wrong?? I am not Job, nor Joseph, and think it presumptuous to assume that I am being tested for my good intentions & faith! It's a nice thought, but it seems the very recognition would cancel out any goodness intended.
Ahh, too much thinking, I know - that's what everyone tells me, but my mind does not stop on a dime.
Perhaps I should try what "Malcolm in the Middle" and his brother Reese tried - hitting each other in the head with a big plastic baseball bat until the mind stops thinking. Hmm, maybe not.
Spoke to a friend on the phone, which helped calm me. Spoke to my mom later in the day, which caused me to see some silver linings in what's to come. Chatted with a friend as I was wrapping up checking my email & forums (and a certain blog) - that was the bright spot, I think. Don't know exactly why, but maybe that's how destiny works. People meet and for no apparent reason, "hit it off". I can certainly say I never have tired of talking with her - my friend from the other side of the world.
We chatted for a couple hours, which helped me forget a little of what I'm facing, and we spent some time remembering the things we used to send to each other - pictures, music, audio, twinkies - yeah, I remember buying them at the Family Dollar store now :) Huh, amazing they made it through customs - how did they survive the trip??
Well, thank you God, for friends, mothers, and gaomei - the gesture was much appreciated, and the bright spot was noted.
off to bed with a lighter burden...

Old friends, new adventures, and a new trial...

Well, it's actually Monday morning now, as I sit down to type my first entry into my first blog.

The other day, I spent slightly over 3 hours chatting with a very good friend - finally!
She suggested I keep a blog, as she has for some time now, so that she can stay updated on me!
I think that's a great idea, and only fair, as I've immersed myself in her blog, and enjoyed learning about her greatly! I hope that wasn't too voyeuristic of me... it showed me just how similar we still are, and are becoming - thank God for good friends! "A joy shared is twice the joy, a burden shared is half the burden"
Wow, it was so great to actually chat with her again - it's been a few years, almost three, we figured. It seems we can chat about anything, and although we have both matured a bit, I don't see her as a stranger. I see her as the same PJ, with some new experiences to make her the woman God sees in her. I'm glad she took the time to look me up, and also that she wishes to talk with me!

Well, a thought occurred to me yesterday while watching a horrible commercial for some local law office - tv personalities don't move their head to establish interest, whether from them to the viewer, or the viewer to the tv personality... they do that to make it more difficult for the viewer to realize they are watching someone read a script!

Ahh, well - too much thinking, and not enough vegetating in front of the tv - who says that's a bad thing?

So, I have a lot to face this week, including being forced to get used to living at the Huber/work release jail they're making me stay at - God help me - that will be one of the most difficult things I've done in my life! I'll spare you the details, but it is everything I do not like!
$1500, and as far as I was able to determine, the best lawyer in town, not to mention almost a years' worth of deliberations, and I'm ending up in about as much of a mess as I could be. All because I let myself get stressed out & didn't realize the cop was chasing me, not trying to get past me! I've been told that what I did certainly didn't warrant the loss of my driver's license & the jail time I received in sentencing, but what's done is done, and now I have to "face the music" .
Is this finally what I get for being bitter about my lot in life? Is this a way for me to pay for my past sins? Well, not so much pay for them, as suffer for them. I've led a fairly uneventful life, but I know I could have done more to help people. I don't have to wish pain or misfortune on those who, in all likelihood, are only not paying attention to their driving, or are only trying to do their job, or maybe just don't know any better.

I have to move from this place as soon as I'm able - perhaps this is God's way of using the bad for good. Maybe I needed a kick in the pants to get me out of this slump I've been in for so many years. Yeah, I attempted from time to time to break out, but lack of ambition/time/money always seemed to dash my hopes, and being depressed, I'd give in to the apparent hopelessness of my endeavours.
So, 9 years at the soda factory, and while I have a boss better than most, co-workers (well, most of them) who are easy to talk to & get along with, and a steady income in exchange for routine, fairly easy (well, after 9 years, anyway) work - I don't feel challenged, nor do I think I want to do this for the rest of my life, or even the rest of the decade! A fellow retired last year (due to health issues) after 30 some years there - I don't want to have that happen to me.
Last year, an opportunity came along to work in the IT field .
It was something I took an interest in, and something that, after taking a placement test, I felt (and was told I was) extremely qualified to do.
Ahh, yes, the catch - the cost for schooling over the course of 4-9 months (depending on how much hand-holding one needs) is around $20K, nearly what I make in a year! So, with no available co-signers, and no inclination to rob a bank, I must eliminate my debt so that I qualify for a student loan, or save up enough cash to pay for it outright. As it's said, "Where there is a will, there is a way". Perhaps in my quest to pay for this schooling, I'll discover a different way to improve my financial situation.
So many things I could do with a little better income - pay off all my bills, have a reliable vehicle, maybe travel to some places I've wanted to visit for years, even give my mom the chance to relax & stop working so hard!

Well, that's a start - bear with me, over time my writing & organizational skills will improve! It is, after all nearly2 am now, and I did work 12 hours today (yesterday). Hey, at least I get paid by the hour!
I need to take a quick shower before bed, and I did break down and rent "The Jacket" starring Adrian Brody - maybe I can watch a bit of that before I fall asleep. Movies usually help me relax & that usually helps me fall asleep - pray my thoughts will quiet enough that I can drift off on a cloud under the stars... mmm, sounds nice...

My favorite line from "The Jacket"... "How much time do we have" Watch it - it's really a sweet movie, partially along the lines of Butterfly Effect, Lake House, Notebook & Eternal Sunshine (all great movies).