An overdue thank you

Since I was introduced to blogging by my good friend, and since I previously had barely even browsed anyone's blog (gone through hundreds now), and since she added a link to my blog from hers quite some time ago, and since I have gotten lots of inspiration & encouragement from her (directly, internet-ly, and postally)(both for configuring my own blog, and for life in general).....*gasp for breath after that tremendous run-on sentence!*

Thank you, PJ!!! (many, many thank you's)

No, I didn't forget a link to her blog, either. It's right here...

I don't think I like weekends anymore.

Weekends used to be a chance to relax, see movies, hang out with friends, take drives, etc.
Now I work every single day of the week, and work hardest on weekends, since the work is basically non-stop - 6 to 12 hours of stacking cases of soda on shelves, displays, and pallets.
Then I've got a whole bunch of critters to take care of. I actually enjoy that part, but it's difficult to get to it when I'm tired from working all day/week/month/year.
If that wasn't enough, I've got to keep up with laundry, cooking, cleaning, and home repair.

Being alone sucks.

Yes, I have family & friends that I can talk do, or do some things with, but I think it's not the same. I think my life plan is changing, though I don't really know what the next step is, or how to take it. God knows what is best for me, but things will happen in His time, not mine, and that is hard to swallow. I can't say that "this" should happen anyway, because I can't see the future, no matter how insightful I may happen to be at times.

So, I attempt to keep myself busy & motivated until such time as more is revealed to me.

Today, I finished work around 4pm, bought milk (only whole milk for this country boy), some frozen juice mixes (on sale), and Kemps "Hot Chocolate" ice cream (wasn't planning on another purchase, but it looked intriguing, and is delicious :) I think I should put it away before I eat too much and get a tummyache. :D




From one of the many mailing lists I happen to be on, I received this link.






If it shows here, I think I will watch it.
It reminds me of "The Village", and also of "The Order", a movie a few years back with Heath Ledger...


I also enjoyed another movie starring Heath & Shannon Sossamon...


Well, okay, now that I've got all the links working, I'm going to bed! Lots of work tomorrow - heh, nothing new there!

listening to...

Tegan & Sara - You Wouldn't Like Me

Wasting time...

Not to be taken in Collective Soul terms...

After I'd plopped down in front of my computer Friday evening, with nothing to do & no one to talk with, I didn't feel like stirring. I decided, no, happened to browse aimlessly for a while - spending time on YouTube & others' blogs...

Here are a few interesting selections (credit where it's due...)















Warning - Country music :P




Slideshow of my newest scaly pet
Warning - Snake pictures!




Our Deepest Fear

Father, when u whisper




One of my favorites,Far and Away.
Watch the trailer.




Petra - Parting Thought (more Petra selections soon...)

Grim Reaper or Safe-in-the-Arms?

After a number of years of battling an illness, my employer's mother passed away this last weekend.
Up until earlier last year, she spent several hours a day dealing with paperwork & phone calls in the office. I'd usually spend some time each day talking with her about this or that or work :)

Her condition accelerated to the point where she was unable to carry on with her job, so the wife of my boss took over her mother in law's job.
Late last week, I heard from a co-worker that she was in the hospital & not doing well - not expected to survive the weekend.
My boss has barely been at work - I can scarcely imagine what he is going through.
I wonder if we employees will be invited to/expected to attend the funeral. I hope I don't have to go - such affairs are very difficult for me.
I barely knew my father's mother, and I cried for hours when I learned she'd passed away (though I was only 13 or so). I still remember my mother's father's funeral - the way "he" was lying in the casket. So still. So peaceful. So empty - as if it was a representation of him. There was no hint at the life that had once been there. So cold. So... gone.

And I think I was closer to her than my grandparents.

I really cannot imagine being the surviving spouse - knowing someone so closely & intimately for years (if only a few) and then being left so totally alone. I am accustomed to being alone - to the point I usually think nothing of getting something to eat, going shopping, or attending a concert or movie, all the while being the one single person in a sea of hundreds at the various places & events.

Some days, I really do long for someone to be with for years. Someone to come home to, to go out with, to wake up with. Someone to leave this world with, as Noah & Allie did. I tell you, that scene hit me harder than any I can think of.
Then I think, where would I meet someone? Who could tolerate me? How could I adjust to being with someone after all these years on my own? Perhaps it's true, "When the love is right, the path is bright"

Ah, more concerns to pass along to God, I suppose. Easier said than done. Perhaps He's trying to show me something, and I am missing it.

More patience, more clarity, but without self-importance - that's what I'd like.

listening to...

Billie Holiday - I'll Be Seeing You
Leigh Nash - Next To You

I think I've done it.

Had another (evening-long) talk with a friend again. I don't know what to call her anymore, other than her name, obviously - so much has changed recently, at least to my way of perceiving.

I think she finally understands, though I won't bet on it. We have always misunderstood each other - one of the reasons I haven't thought there was anything more than a friendship between us.
I mean, I always hear "opposites attract". Perhaps in terms of diversification of the species, but people should get along, and be able to relate to each other. I think part of the skyrocketing incidence of divorce is that people "fall in love", never get past the initial attraction, and decide to marry. When they haven't really gotten to know each other, and spent time conversing & just hanging out, I guess, they don't really know if they're compatible - they can't really see if they are long-term compatible. *sigh* Maybe that's what the phrase means, the initial attraction. "Love at first sight", etc.

It makes me feel like a horrible person - to have someone want a relationship with me, and not be able to return the feeling. To think that all these years, she has probably been misreading my intentions. She must think I am worthless, while I think she has to be blind to have missed the meaning. Another saying comes to mind, though I wonder if it truly applies. I think when you meet that person, you both know, at least at some point. Guys are famous for jumping first - right?

Well, I will pray that the disagreements between us ended tonight. I like her as a friend, and we've known each other a long time. It would be a shame to lose her friendship.
On the other hand, if she continues to misunderstand & misread me, and if the jealousy does not cease, I think I shall have no choice but to distance myself - hopefully not totally disappear (though I sometimes wonder if that will become my only option).
While she rarely understood me, she has nearly always been there for me - when I had problems with my family, when I was "homeless", when pets have died, etc.
Well, I try my best, and attempt to place the rest in God's hands (and leave it there).


listening to...

Rilo Kiley - August